Confusion, lose of friends and internet drama
drama happening on facebook
facebook + girls = internet drama
pretty self explanitory
facebook + girls = internet drama
pretty self explanitory
Update!
Oh my its been 2 months since I last posted something. D: Sorry. >_< In the past 2 months so many things have happened.
My grandaunt died last month and I attended her funeral with my sister in place of my mum and dad. I had no emotional connection to her yet seeing my grandma cry when she saw her sister's picture and body was quite emotional.
Also I believe I have finally lost the close friendship I held with a friend. It might just be that I'm paranoid and possibly obsessive about it but I really do think she doesn't think of me in high regards anymore. I really don't want to lose her and I do miss her since she's now in another school. I probably wouldn't know what to say or do to her if I did see her, though I'd probably just say hi and bye. It makes me sad that I've lost her, someone I was so close to during my junior schooling life. I'm not sure if I should let her go yet because I don't think she's aware of my feelings. I've tried talking to her about it but I couldn't explain myself properly so I think she got the wrong idea. I get really sad thinking about this but I just don't want her to forget me...
EDIT: I got rid of this paragraph because my thoughts on this has changed and...its just quite creepy reading it again...I think I worded it wrong >:\
I've realised that my friends don't really know me...no one does, not even my parents. And its because I don't tell anyone anything. I allow others to pour out their lives onto me and I listen to all their troubles and problems. But yet I don't do that to them. I think I'm seen as someone who has no problems, or who does but dismisses them carelessly. I want someone to talk to, who can listen to my problems and secrets and give me advice. I'm so fickle minded where I'm easily led to think differently so quickly. I just want to be constant. Is that so much to ask?
My grandaunt died last month and I attended her funeral with my sister in place of my mum and dad. I had no emotional connection to her yet seeing my grandma cry when she saw her sister's picture and body was quite emotional.
Also I believe I have finally lost the close friendship I held with a friend. It might just be that I'm paranoid and possibly obsessive about it but I really do think she doesn't think of me in high regards anymore. I really don't want to lose her and I do miss her since she's now in another school. I probably wouldn't know what to say or do to her if I did see her, though I'd probably just say hi and bye. It makes me sad that I've lost her, someone I was so close to during my junior schooling life. I'm not sure if I should let her go yet because I don't think she's aware of my feelings. I've tried talking to her about it but I couldn't explain myself properly so I think she got the wrong idea. I get really sad thinking about this but I just don't want her to forget me...
EDIT: I got rid of this paragraph because my thoughts on this has changed and...its just quite creepy reading it again...I think I worded it wrong >:\
I've realised that my friends don't really know me...no one does, not even my parents. And its because I don't tell anyone anything. I allow others to pour out their lives onto me and I listen to all their troubles and problems. But yet I don't do that to them. I think I'm seen as someone who has no problems, or who does but dismisses them carelessly. I want someone to talk to, who can listen to my problems and secrets and give me advice. I'm so fickle minded where I'm easily led to think differently so quickly. I just want to be constant. Is that so much to ask?
My friends
So I've realised that I've been stalking a few of my friends blogs to kill time during the holidays, and I've realised that the way they blog is quite profound. I'm sure they wont find me here, since I don't give links to this place but sometimes I want someone to find it. I want them to know the real me, though at the same time I'm dead scared of what they think of what I write.
To my friends,
My dear friends,to those who will never find this page. I love you all so much. To those who think you know me best, I am a liar. The things I do, the things I say. I am a terrible person. I am human and I hate it.
I'm sorry if I have ever caused you pain through my selfishness or carelessness, though this isn't a excuse of you having to feel pain. I apologise for my ignorance and clinginess when I'm with you.
You are all so great in your own ways, each so facinating and interesting. I wish I could be with you guys always...but I know the sad reality that when we graduate we will drift away. I've witnessed this happen with my older sister and I'm sure this will happen but if you find me and read this please prove me wrong for it will be a pleasant suprise.
From
An insecure girl
To my friends,
My dear friends,to those who will never find this page. I love you all so much. To those who think you know me best, I am a liar. The things I do, the things I say. I am a terrible person. I am human and I hate it.
I'm sorry if I have ever caused you pain through my selfishness or carelessness, though this isn't a excuse of you having to feel pain. I apologise for my ignorance and clinginess when I'm with you.
You are all so great in your own ways, each so facinating and interesting. I wish I could be with you guys always...but I know the sad reality that when we graduate we will drift away. I've witnessed this happen with my older sister and I'm sure this will happen but if you find me and read this please prove me wrong for it will be a pleasant suprise.
From
An insecure girl
about updating
Hey, so I've realised that I've actually been blogging more at a monthly rate than a weekly rate so I might just keep it like that since I'm so inconsistent *sigh*
Well I'm currently in holidays right now and I must say...I haven't been making my notes >:\ not good. Maybe I should blog about the random things I buy. It'll probably at least make it a bit more regular...hmmmm...
Well I'm currently in holidays right now and I must say...I haven't been making my notes >:\ not good. Maybe I should blog about the random things I buy. It'll probably at least make it a bit more regular...hmmmm...
sorry
Hi, its been a while hasn't it? I'm sorry its been over 2 months since I last updated, I've been quite neglectful of this blog. Though I want to keep it so I can tell you my deepest darkest feelings. So here is a wall of text of my teenage angst.
I'm scared. I'm currently in my HSC year and I haven't done anything to prepare for my exams at the end of this year. I feel so unmotivated to do anything. The marks I've been getting are atrocious and I feel like crap. The problem is that I don't want to study the present outweighs the future for me right now. I spend so much time doing useless things like looking up nail art, making things. I cant focus on my school work and I want to cry about it but I don't. My friends seem to have so much more toubles than me but I cant help but feel selfish about my problems. I don't know what to do. I cant even work on a reward system. I don't know...I think I'm starting to feel depressed about it as well.
My mum is also trying to get close to me but I keep pushing her away. Its like as if I don't want to connect with her. I find her incredibly annoying and when she tries to have a conversation, I get extremely pissed off and give her the cold shoulder. I don't want to treat her like that, but if I get close to her, she'll find out I'm failing school. I've created all these lies to make my parents believe that I'm doing fine at school when in reality I'm failing. I really need help in my motivation.
I want to rely on God and to do my work so that I can glorify Him but I cant. I really want to change myself and I know its possible but with such little time remaining I don't know if my determination is enough to cram already 6 months of school work into the remaining 6 and a half months. I haven't written any study notes at all and to start now will destroy all of my leisure time. For some reason I put my leisure time in top priority and thats why I'm starting to struggle so much.
I hate economics now but I think if I type up some notes I will beable to understand it better. Currently in physics I'm struggling to understand but I really enjoy being there. In history I've actually failed my assignment that weighted 15% and probably dragged my ranking to the bottom. In maths i'm bearly scraping the 50% mark in my tests and english I have an assessment on friday and I'm not sure how to write my essay. The ironic thing is that I need to get over 90 ATAR if I am to get out of this hell hole and I know that its impossible to get it. I want to aim lower but I'm scared if I do I'll fail even more.
Sometimes I want to harm myself to punish myself but i dont want to be like those freaking emos. Other times I just want to run away, disappear and yet i'm so afraid of being forgotten. I'm so confused on what to do for the future. All i know i need to go to uni in the city. Its my only sure goal.
I'm scared. I'm currently in my HSC year and I haven't done anything to prepare for my exams at the end of this year. I feel so unmotivated to do anything. The marks I've been getting are atrocious and I feel like crap. The problem is that I don't want to study the present outweighs the future for me right now. I spend so much time doing useless things like looking up nail art, making things. I cant focus on my school work and I want to cry about it but I don't. My friends seem to have so much more toubles than me but I cant help but feel selfish about my problems. I don't know what to do. I cant even work on a reward system. I don't know...I think I'm starting to feel depressed about it as well.
My mum is also trying to get close to me but I keep pushing her away. Its like as if I don't want to connect with her. I find her incredibly annoying and when she tries to have a conversation, I get extremely pissed off and give her the cold shoulder. I don't want to treat her like that, but if I get close to her, she'll find out I'm failing school. I've created all these lies to make my parents believe that I'm doing fine at school when in reality I'm failing. I really need help in my motivation.
I want to rely on God and to do my work so that I can glorify Him but I cant. I really want to change myself and I know its possible but with such little time remaining I don't know if my determination is enough to cram already 6 months of school work into the remaining 6 and a half months. I haven't written any study notes at all and to start now will destroy all of my leisure time. For some reason I put my leisure time in top priority and thats why I'm starting to struggle so much.
I hate economics now but I think if I type up some notes I will beable to understand it better. Currently in physics I'm struggling to understand but I really enjoy being there. In history I've actually failed my assignment that weighted 15% and probably dragged my ranking to the bottom. In maths i'm bearly scraping the 50% mark in my tests and english I have an assessment on friday and I'm not sure how to write my essay. The ironic thing is that I need to get over 90 ATAR if I am to get out of this hell hole and I know that its impossible to get it. I want to aim lower but I'm scared if I do I'll fail even more.
Sometimes I want to harm myself to punish myself but i dont want to be like those freaking emos. Other times I just want to run away, disappear and yet i'm so afraid of being forgotten. I'm so confused on what to do for the future. All i know i need to go to uni in the city. Its my only sure goal.
